Lots of swimming, canoeing and paddle boarding.

But one afternoon the decision was made by the parents that we would all hike in a nearby old growth forest (Joyce Kilmer) – it was too special to be missed. A big part of me agreed with this, because it’s something I prefer over water activity. YET, the youngest child (age 9) was fairly adamant that she did not want to go on a hike, no matter how primitive and beautiful the forest. She was clear. And she was clearly ignored. Forced togetherness took priority.

Yet this child was not going to be ignored once we arrived. She complained, moaned, yelled, even hit her mother a few times, because she simply did NOT want to be there and wasn’t going to let us forget it for one minute.

Needless to say, it was awfully difficult for anyone to enjoy our “special hike.” I decided afterward to be very honest and announced that I was very sad and disappointed about the experience and would never again force togetherness like that. How was it worth it? I was feeling resentful toward my niece for “spoiling” my treasured hike, and realized that wasn’t exactly fair. She warned us all that she didn’t want to be there, and we didn’t listen or respect her wishes. I decided to take responsibility for my needs and on another afternoon returned to the forest alone.

I had a WONDERFUL, peaceful, fulfilling hike on my own, while my husband and kids enjoyed swimming and kayaking together. Later that evening, I gave him some “me-time” while I cooked and cleaned up after dinner. It was a good balance of activities that had us all happy as we reflected back on the day.

Listening to my “full yes”

Fast forward a few days, and we found ourselves on the North Carolina coast, camping in a marshy state park in the evenings, enjoying the beach during the day. The heat index was brutally high, and while the mosquitoes were in their prime, we were withering on the vine, especially as we tried to sleep in the humid heat.

After two nights, the kids just didn’t want one more night of camping. They weren’t anywhere near a “full yes” to it, and through their complaints, requested (more like begged) that we spend our final beach night in a hotel room. I felt sorely disappointed. I leave for vacation each summer wanting more than anything to enjoy the beautiful nature and space America has to offer. So though I wanted to ease life for my two kids, I wasn’t at all prepared to leave. I spent some time pondering the situation before I reacted and made the surprise decision to let them go without me.

I came to realize that I had a full yes to camping and not to being in a hotel room with a noisy air conditioner. The silence I experienced was like medicine after several days spent visiting and catching up with old friends. I slept 11 hours that night, along with a symphony of crickets, cicadas, frogs, birds, and a distant thunderstorm. We reunited the next morning and EVERYONE was much happier than before.

How to let go of “forced togetherness”

The first step to letting go of “forced togetherness” is recognizing when you’re communicating from the perspective that it is the assumed top group priority, trumping all individual needs and wishes.

The second step is listening to and being open to individual preferences. When the idea that “we have to stay together” is off the table, it becomes possible to hear and try to include everyone’s wishes. During vacation, I often know that the two greatest needs include enjoyment and diversity of activities (mostly the kids’) and relaxation and harmony (mostly mine and my husband’s). With these in mind, I stay open and curious to hearing all the different ways in which we like to meet these needs. I ask myself, how can we combine it all so that everyone is getting their needs met?

The third step is asking for proposals. You might be surprised how very creative our kids can think. Give them a chance to consider how everyone can be happy – this is a life skill that kids can benefit from starting very young. It helps them to think less black and white, be more empathic and inclusive. It will also help them with making friends and becoming a leader who values all people’s input.

The final step is to ENJOY the full yeses, without any “should” thoughts like “But we’re on family vacation – we should be together!” Because this leads to guilt and lack of enjoyment.

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